Lesser Known American Holidays

Hallmark Holiday 1/12
America pays tribute to the store that provides our nation with cards to say what we cannot. Send a useless, Hallmark-brand gift to someone you care about today!

Hot Chicks Day 2/18
From Pocahontas and Betsy Ross to Denise Richards and Chelsea Clinton, hot chicks have greatly influenced the American landscape since the first female settler of Jamestown took off her bonnet and shook her long locks in slow-motion. In fact, one can trace most major inventions -- from electricity to the aero jet -- to some nerdy guy trying to impress a hot chick.

Fat-Ass Diet Kick-Off Day 3/3
Americans unite and begin the annual spring- and summer-long starvation ritual, trying to compensate for their sedentary lifestyles and fatty diets. Though this SEASON lasts typically until September, most give up around May.

Polish Heritage Day 4/8
Celebrate your Polish heritage by recreating such famous inventions as a submarine with a screen door and solar-powered flashlight.

German Heritage Day 4/9
Celebrate your German Heritage by eating bratwurst, drinking dark beers, engaging in humiliating (yet efficient!) sex acts and annexing Polish Heritage Day.

Third Cousin on Your Mom's Side Day 5/23
In the spirit of Mother's Day and Father's Day, celebrate your distant relative whom you have never met and whose name keeps slipping you. NOTE: THIRD COUSINS ON YOUR FATHER'S SIDE ARE NOT TO BE CELEBRATED.

Illegal Immigrant Worker Day 6/20
Show your illegal immigrant workers that you appreciate the work they've done by picking the fields, cleaning your house and taking care of the children yourself! Better yet, double their wages today so they know what it feels like to make half of a livable income!

Spinster Day 7/26
Do a favor for the old lady down the street with 18 cats. She has no one, no one!

Table Saw/Chain Saw Accident Remembrance Day 9/16
Remember that shop teacher who only had three fingers and that kid who sawed off part of his hand trying to make a birdhouse? Good. Now let that be a lesson to you.

National Cell Phone Appreciation Day 10/3
Celebrate the phone that you can take anywhere: the beach, the movies, the car, the grocery store, the bus, Blockbuster, church -- and use to keep in contact with those you love. Walk down the street and call a friend -- who is standing next to you! Give an old fashioned holler to your neighbor across the yard -- without having to shout! And don't forget to drop by your friendly neighborhood mobile phone distributor; there's one on every block!

Buy Nothing Day (Friday after Thanksgiving)
An actual hippie holiday, Buy Nothing Day originated in protest to the greed and consumerism that is the bedrock of our great nation. If you participate in this holiday, you're a dirty pinko communist who should go back to Russia.

(Originally published from Comedy Central's Cheetsheet, August 2003)

Follow Your Dreams, Class of 2003

First of all I'd like to say congratulations to the 2003 graduates of Jefferson Technical University, central Illinois' third-most selective commuter and community college. As the most successful member of the class of '83 and owner of Jill's Discount Nails and Tanning off Highway J, between the Piggly Wiggly and the Arby's, it is my honor and privilege to be your commencement speaker on this fine day. As you ponder what will be your future - bank teller, systems analyst, cable technician, middle manager or perhaps even a sales representative - it is important that you dream. And even more important, that you listen to my sage-like wisdom.

Ladies, if you don't have boyfriend, find one immediately. And for those in a relationship, do what you can to get the rock ASAP. It's difficult to find a man if you have an education and impossible without your youth. Invest all your money in beauty products, tanning and diet pills. Trust me, it's an investment with the best possible ROI.

Gentlemen, keep your eye on the future. Make as much money as you can as quickly as you can. Invest it all in a fast car. Hot girls like fast cars.

If your estranged son dies in a mysterious field 15 years later, don't just read about it in the newspapers -- send some flowers or a card with glitter and seagulls.

If you manage to suffer at a demeaning, coffee-fetching position for at least 5 months, be sure to take plenty of notes for a future tell-all book exposing those jackasses at Rent-a-Center.

Be careful where you stick it because it might just fall off.

Do not lick the handrails on the bus, no matter how tasty they may appear.

Always pack a good book and a better gun.

When you have a one-night stand at Darrell's off the interstate, make sure it's with a trucker or traveler you won't run into after that night. You don't want any awkward moments when you're getting you eyes checked or eating at the new Italian restaurant. And use as much birth control as you can find - you don't want to end up with the most dreaded STD - the baby virus.

Take out as many credit cards as you qualify for -- after all, you're an adult now and entitled to big-ticket purchases. Don't worry about paying them back, Citibank understands that they'll get their money eventually. They can't bill you in hell, but they can bill your unfortunate progeny.

Travel and see the world. As founding father Benjamin Franklin once said, "You haven't been to France until you sleep with eight underage girls at once."

Never buy your drugs on credit, no matter how much the dealer says he trusts you. It's a good way to guarantee you'll get hurt.

To everyone else - friends of graduates, family members, court-appointed guardians - this is a celebration. Now let's all meet in the parking lot to drink wine-flavored Mad Dog 20/20!

(Originally published from Comedy Central's Cheetsheet, May 2003)