What Kind of Pop Tart Are You?
First it was Christina, who strained her vocal cords. Then it was Britney, who busted her knee. Who knows what will happen to Ms. Simpson after press time so that she, too, will drop out of the Summerfest lineup. I'd put my money on "exhaustion" or possibly "kicked in the shins by Hilary Duff."
Anyway, before all of this madness, we created a fail-proof quiz to help you figure out which pop tart you should pay $60 to see. Unfortunately, it doesn't really matter who best suits your inner junior diva, as all roads now lead to Jessica. But humor us anyway and take the damn quiz. Maybe it'll be useful this fall or winter or sometime next spring...
When you go out, what is your drink?
a. Cosmopolitan--it's pink, girly and loaded with cheap alcohol.
b.Mojito--I'm trendy, possibly South American and know how to shake it.
c. Light beer or oxygen--anything else gives me the stupids.
Have you ever been married?
a. It depends how you define "married."
b. Hell no.
c. Yes. Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who love Jesus and desperately want to exploit their relationship in order to further their careers.
Where do you get your news?
a. E!
b. Usually the free clinic, though sometimes my publicist.
c. The Weekly Reader.
Let's say you're on fire...
a. Damn you, Colin Farrell!
b. No worries, I have antibiotics for that...
c. Oh, now I remember why I'm not supposed to use the stove by myself...
Finish this sentence: A skirt is considered a mini when...
a. It's shorter than mid-thigh and has slits up both legs.
b. It's a belt.
c. It's a car.
The funniest part of my VH1's "Driven" would be that...
a. My childhood photos look suspiciously like those of Jon Benet Ramsey.
b. I was asked not to perform in my school's talent show.
c. I was rejected by the Christian-rock community.
You see something shiny. What is your reaction?
a. See if I can buy it.
b. See if I can mount it.
c. Ooh! Shiny! Sparkle pretty! Look, a butterfly!
In high school, I was...
a. A popular cheerleader.
b. A slut.
c. Left behind.
You see Justin Timberlake at a club. What is your reaction?
a. A sexy dance-off.
b. A sexy duet.
c. "I wish my husband didn't look so much like a monkey!"
My friends call me high-maintenance because...
a. I demand the finest in leather-and-lace minidresses and biker hats.
b. It takes me hours to get through airport security due to all of my piercings.
c. I get lost a lot and I lose my train of thought and I get distracted and people have to constantly do stuff for me like find my keys or help me cross the street.
Mostly A's--Oops! You did it again. You're a slave for Britney! Get ready for the Onyx Hotel... On Showtime reruns.
Mostly B's--Come on over, you're a Christina! No, wait, go back over there. Ms. Aguilera cancelled her tour because of strained vocal cords and will not be performing in Milwaukee this summer. So go spend that money on something you really need, like a hepatitis shot.
Mostly C's--Hey brainiac, you're a Jessica Simpson. Now don't forget, your left hand makes an "L" when you hold it out in front of you.
(Originally published June 24, 2004)
THAT REALITY SHOW: Why Wisconsin is all over TV
Sean. Dan. Sue. Dirk. Joel. Debbie. Lori. Julie. Shelly. Tina Fabulous. Jackie. John. Jessie. Tiara. Kelly B.
One was a lumberjack lawyer. One was a frat boy. One drove trucks. One carried a Bible. One lived on a farm. One was a "psycho." One was a Mormon. One got eliminated in the first round. One sold prescription drugs and loved football. One had no gay-dar. One was average. One was fired. One could sing. One was transformed. And every single one of them was from Wisconsin.
Even if you've managed to steer clear of the reality programming for the past four years and have carefully avoided the day-after water-cooler talk about who did what to whom and why, it is still virtually impossible to be unaffected by this national and yet surprisingly local phenomena.
Ever since "Survivor" debuted in the summer of 2000 with three different cast members (Sue, Dirk and Joel) claiming Dairy State origins, American reality shows cannot seem to get enough of Wisconsin. "The Bachelor," "American Idol,"Survivor," "The Real World," "The Swan," "The Apprentice," "Big Brother," "Average Joe" and "Playing it Straight" are just a handful of the television shows to feature Wisconsinites as cast members. "Elimidate" and "Blind Date" seem to be here at least every other week. And auditions for future reality programming have become as familiar to the Milwaukee bar scene as free rail drinks for "ladies" on a Wednesday night.
I had always been under the assumption that the rest of the country (or at least people on the coasts) grouped Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan and Illinois into a large Midwestern lump not unlike the way we view Kentucky/Tennessee or Alabama/Arkansas/Mississippi/Louisiana. We have our own dialect, drive American cars, drink cheep beer, wear fashion a few years late and possess a strange work ethic that leads to setting 5 a.m. alarm clocks and writing gratuitous "thank you" letters. Oh, and we're all obnoxiously white and Christian. But oddly, there seems to be two Wisconsin residents for every one girl from Minneapolis or Chicago. Most are usually bright-eyed, obnoxiously cheery and naïve, though we also seem to produce a plethora of chain-smoking, hard-drinking surly tramps. Sometimes, though this is very rare, the two archetypes are combined for a surprisingly well-rounded character that tends to make it through most elimination rounds. But why us? Surely other Midwestern states have their share of simpletons and skanks chomping at the bit for a chance at national exposure.
According to Milwaukee native and television producer Mia Kaminsky, who has worked as the casting producer for "Shipmates," "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and "Blind Date," "Wisconsin produces the most flavorful people from the Midwest--we have our own accent and stereotype, but most of us are not so far removed that we're not hip to the ways of the world. In other words, we make good TV!"
So we make good characters, but is this reality phenomenon damaging to the image of Wisconsin residents? The majority of us did not grow up on an apple orchard or spend our Sunday, Sunday, Sundays at Great Lakes Dragaway in Union Grove, Wis. My experience in the suburbs of Milwaukee was one-half Dazed and Confused and one-half Mean Girls. The kids I grew up with lied, manipulated, forged signatures and lit things on fire. Not to mention, in the words of "Seinfeld's" Elaine Benes, "teased someone until they developed an eating disorder." (It was, after all, Brookfield.) Little House on the Prairie --or really anything involving manual labor and livestock--might as well have taken place on Mars. The State Fair was where you could get fried things on a stick, not where you earned a ribbon.
And thus, like many other Wisconsinites, I feel slighted by the naïve, stock character we produce who steps foot out of his or her small town for the first time--on national television, no less--and instantly discovers that the world is populated by people of different colors, backgrounds and sexual orientations. Sure they're still better than the greasy drunks from "Elimidate" who exude the trashy sadness of a Water Street bachelorette circa 2:30 a.m., but only because they're so damn innocent. It's really only a matter of time before Mormon Julie or no-gaydar Jackie becomes the Miller-swilling, trash-talking, hard-boiled Susan Hawk.
Granted, all of this could be an act that the particular reality "star" developed in order to get on television in the first place. Wisconsin residents seem more than eager to get their 15 minutes of fame vying for a creepy trust-funder with an eye twitch. (No offense, Firestone.) And long before anyone ever heard of Tina "Fabulous" Panas, Wisconsin had the highest "Bachelor" ratings of any state. Kaminsky thinks it has to do with location, that people like "The Apprentice's" Jessie or Kelly B. from "The Swan" are using reality programming as a means to capitalize on opportunities currently unavailable in our area--and on someone else's dime. While compiling research, I did notice that the majority of these reality contestants were now living out of state and usually owning their own business, something they may not have been able to afford before their respective show's hoopla.
So maybe this is a good thing, a kind of mutual exploitation on behalf of Wisconsinites and Hollywood, a symbiotic relationship between the host and the secretly devious ingenue. Hmm, I guess now I don't feel guilty for watching this trash after all.
(Originally published June 10, 2004)
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